Now that my dishes are done and my apartment is back in order, I am ready to finally sit down and write. It has been a rough couple of weeks and now that my brain has crept out of its fog into a state of normalcy (I think), I am feeling motivated and ready to commit. Hopefully, with the next depressive episode (because there were certainly be more), I can remain committed and update in a timely manner.

Depression is my least favorite thing about this disorder. When I am experiencing depression, I have a hard time doing anything and I am incredibly irritable on top of being incredibly weepy. I’m just one big miserable mess and I wish I could countdown to when it ends. Unfortunately, bipolar disorder is so unpredictable that I never know how long the swings will last.

Trying to manage my depression without punishing my family is hard. My body feels heavy so I just want to lay in bed. This makes it so my motherly responsibilities fall onto my boyfriend when he is not working which I can imagine can be frustrating for him. I appreciate everything he does for us though, and he knows that.

I am often alone with my daughter, however, because my boyfriend works so much. I am consumed by guilt when it comes to my interaction with her in my depressed states. I don’t do as much as a mother should. I lay around and let the dishes in the sink pile high. I use tiredness as an excuse to not get up and play. I just want to sleep but that’s impossible when you’re caring for a toddler so I get irritable. Then I start yelling too much and feel even guiltier. It is a never ending cycle, I feel.

I have to remind myself that these days do not last forever. At the end of each day, I am a little bit closer to the end of the episode and things will be normal soon. Some days I find myself sobbing alone because the guilt is eating away at me and other days I just accept my “failures” and I promise to try again the next day. The key to making it through these types of times is to just keep trying.

At the end of the depression is always a break for normalcy. Or as normal as I can get. I am always so glad when the physical weight of depression is lifted from me and I can move around again without the weight of my illness on my chest. The days get easier. My family becomes happier. Everything feels better.

So on that note, I am going to say goodnight. Today was good but I will work for tomorrow to be better and I will continue updating as my days go on. If you’re here and reading this, thank you. I appreciate all of the support I receive. I can’t wait to get this rolling.