As mania rears its ugly head again, I am reminded exactly how awful this disorder can really be. It is always guaranteed that I will creep into mania after enduring depression, and I always say “Well, at least I won’t be depressed anymore.”. But then it sets in and I am reminded that both ends of this disorder are almost equally awful.

Sure, with mania I have more energy and I’m a hell of a lot better to be around, but it has its own downfalls. I have the energy to clean my whole house from top to bottom, but I have too much energy to sit and do a puzzle with my daughter. My impulsive manic spending isn’t bad enough to land us in a bad financial position, but it is bad enough to make Mason (my SO) roll his eyes when I walk in with 4 Target bags and only one is filled with what I actually went there for.

I am constantly on edge and irritable when I am manic and it is my greatest downfall. I get angry with depression but with mania, the little things set me off. The feeling of my daughter’s tiny nails grabbing my face while she falls asleep, the whiny voice when I tell her no, watching her destroy the room I literally JUST cleaned…. it’s enough to make my skin crawl and my heart rate pick up. Ideally, I would have perfect parenting skills and I would brush it off or call upon gentle parenting techniques to handle the situation logically. But, there is nothing ideal about the state of my brain, so I too frequently resort to yelling.

It is not something I am proud of and, honestly, it rarely even works. Once it comes out, I instantly feel guilty and calmer and I hate that it takes yelling to make me feel calm. Even as I am sitting here writing this, I am getting irritated and overwhelmed. The sound of toys being thrown around in the background, the sound of the cicadas buzzing outside, the humming of everything around me… I become so sensitive to it and it drives me nuts.

I’ve been practicing breathing. I’ve been practicing waiting before reacting. I’ve been trying to remove myself from situations that trigger my anger. It is truly easier said than done. It seems like no matter how much I try, it won’t get easier. But, if it saves my daughter some tears and it saves me some guilt, I will keep trying again and again until it is second nature to me.

So, what about you guys? What are some things you do to control anger and irritability (whether you’re bipolar or not)? Leave a comment and give me some insight on what has worked for you!